Thriving couples are for each other. When you truly believe that the people around you are for you, something within you relaxes. You hold your head a little higher and start acting like the person you truly are.

Here are five ways that people in thriving marriages serve one another.

1. Enter Their World

Learning how to shift the focus off ourselves and toward serving each other is not an easy task. It’s an ongoing process. Early on in marriage, the concept of consistently and intentionally serving the other person can seem so foreign. We’ve lived our own independent lives and done our own thing for so many years, then suddenly two become one, and it’s “die to yourself” time. It can be difficult, laying down our own needs, desires, and agenda to consider those of another, even someone we dearly love. But what we have discovered is that as it becomes a part of our life rhythm, choosing to see and meet our spouse where they’re at and serve them there is where the greatest joy is found.

Entering someone’s world, thinking of their needs, and meeting those needs in creative ways doesn’t come naturally to most of us. But at the core of any thriving marriage are two people who pay attention to the other person’s world and choose to meet specific needs there.

Love others as you love yourself. That’s an act of true freedom. — Galatians 5:14, MSG

This is where the journey gets really personal. Each couple is unique, and the meaningful ways in which you can serve your requires getting to know your spouse, taking time to truly listen to their lives and enter their world. What do they love? Where could they use a break? When is the last time you gave them your full, undistracted attention? Asked about their dreams? Their loves? Their spiritual journey? Serving our spouse builds a bridge from our life to theirs. We love them by entering their world.

Those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted. —Matthew 23:12

2. See Truly

As the saying goes, “Familiarity breeds contempt.” Contempt is one of the greatest predictors of divorce. Contempt occurs when we allow ourselves to focus so habitually on the faults of another that in our minds, that person becomes the problem. Ask God to enable you to see the good, to see your spouse as He does. Just like you and I, they are not the sum of their faults. And they do not belong to you, in fact, but rather have been entrusted to you as a gift to love and to care for. Loving our spouse well begins with shifting our perspective to view them as a remarkable gift to treasure rather than a heavy burden to bear.

Give, and you will receive. You will be given much. Pressed down, shaken together, and running over, it will spill into your lap. The way you give to others is the way God will give to you. Luke 6:38, NCV

When I break out of my self-absorption and see my spouse as the remarkable person they truly are, created in the image of God, suddenly I am motivated to soak up every moment I’ve been given with them. Each day becomes a gift. I am now enabled to see with fresh eyes the ways I can put their well-being above my own, ways I can serve, care for, and bless them. But the first step is entering their world. What do they love? What makes them come alive? What do they dream of doing? How can I help them make those dreams a reality? As theologian and pastor Tim Keller says, “Serving your spouse . . . means showing that you are committed to his or her well-being and flourishing. This kind of love is given when you seek to help your spouse develop gifts and pursue aspirations for growth.” Not only will serving your spouse in this way restore the bond you have together, it will also renew your own joy as you experience the pleasure of helping someone else and watching them grow and flourish. There’s nothing like it. Give it a try.

3. Empty Yourself

A cultivation of humility. What it means to pour yourselves out in seemingly small moments that add up to a truly great work, a thriving, rich relationship. Each time we pour ourselves out for our spouse, choosing to allow our agenda, our plans to be altered so that we might serve them, we are not only contributing to their joy and well-being but laying brick upon brick to build the thriving marriage we long for. A truly great work. But it is found only on the other side of emptying ourselves.

4. Listen Well

As we step into the rhythm of serving our spouse, we must learn how to listen. It’s impossible to truly love someone, to serve their deepest needs, unless you get to know them. Taking the time to listen to your spouse communicates desire, conveys respect, and can even restore dignity. When I stop what I’m doing, put away my screen, and take the time to listen to what my spouse needs to share, I am communicating to them, You are valuable to me, and I care. Your life is worth knowing, worth way more than any distraction vying for my attention right now.

Feeling heard and understood causes us to feel safe. Empathy has a calming effect. According to psychologist Dr. Henry Cloud, “We can’t begin to solve problems until there is a sense of trust, and trust is established when we feel listened to.”

Listen to your spouse’s words— and listen to their life. Ask God to open your eyes to ways you could serve your spouse that would be particularly meaningful to them. Listen for what they’re going through, what they care about, and listen to what they need. Serving could even look like stopping to pray for them when they’re having a hard day.

When we posture ourselves as a servant toward each other, train our eyes to see in a different way, and take the time to listen to what our spouse truly needs, we develop a rhythm of serving that changes the trajectory of our marriage.

5. Lend Your Strengths

Look for a moment at some of the main areas of contention between you and your spouse. There’s a good chance that underneath the tension, you’ll find a mismanaged use of strengths.

If couples could leverage each other’s strengths, acknowledging and valuing each other’s gift, they could be an incredible team.

Acknowledging and affirming our spouse’s gifts, rather than railing on their weaknesses.

This is what it looks like to lend our strengths to one another.